Coping With Chronic Illness - Caring Too Much What People Think, How To Overcome It

I can’t hide my illness anymore.  I can’t push to look normal for an hour or two anymore.  It doesn’t work.   (At least not right now.) 

So, this year I have had to confront my fear of people.  I’ve had to confront my own inner need to be accepted and loved by EVERYONE.  I’ve had to start realizing that I care too much what other people think.  (See part one of this series for adiscussion of why that keeps us sick.)

Confronting my problem does not mean I have vanquished it.  But knowing the problem does help me to be prepared.

For example, I have an internal dialogue with myself when I have to go out in my wheelchair and be seen by people I know (I don’t care so much about strangers).  I remind myself why I am doing it, what I want to gain from being at this event, and that I am going to do whatever is best for my health, even if it looks weird and that I don’t care what people think.  (I do care what people think, but I hope that by telling myself this repeatedly I will stop caring over much.  At any rate, I hope that I won’t let what they think hold me back from doing what I need to do for my health.)

I have to prep myself like this because, as a person who has been hiding their illness for the previous 14 years, using a wheelchair felt almost unbearably open.  It was very, very hard for me to accept, as I am sure it is for many people.  

I really fought against it for years.  But one experience of having to be basically carried out of a crowd by my father convinced me.  I mean, which is more embarrassing, to be carried out in a rush because I have collapsed, or to use a wheelchair.  For me, the wheelchair is less embarrassing.  

So I accept the wheelchair and give myself the pep talk…and it works.  It’s so much easier for me now, especially when I see how much more I can do and how much better I feel when I use the chair on wheels.  It actually helps me to gain strength.  And that is a big deal.

Ways to overcome caring too much

·         First, accept that you care too much about people’s opinions.  Understand that it is a problem.

·         Make a list of the things you fear people will think or do. Sometimes giving a name to the fear can lessen its hold on us.  At the very least, it alerts us to our weak spots.

·         Third, decide who the most important people in your life are and whom you most respect.  These are the people who’s opinion should matter the very most to you. It makes it easier to let things roll off your back if you can say to yourself, “that person thinks I am lazy, but it doesn’t matter because they are not on my list.  So I don’t have to care. ”  (This doesn’t mean we don’t care at all about other people, we just have to have some boundaries.)

·         Next, realize that even the people on your list will not always agree with or understand you.  They will say the wrong thing sometimes, do the wrong thing, and hurt us occasionally. Understand that THAT IS OK.  They are not infallible.  

·         Start working on being comfortable in your own skin and knowing who you are.  Illness will have taken a toll on your view of yourself.  It’s time to rediscover you.  Keep lists of your opinions, your skills, anything at all that you are able to do – no matter how mundane.  What you know.  Who your friends are.  What you love.  What you hate.  In other words, create a better defined sense of self.  It can go a long way toward being able to say, “that person thinks I’m lazy but it doesn’t matter because I know they are wrong.”   (Look for an upcoming series of posts to help with getting to know ourselves again – or for the first time.)

·         When you leave the house remind yourself why you are doing it, what you want to gain from being at this event or accomplishing this task, that you are going to do whatever is best for your health, even if it looks weird and that you don’t care what people think.

·         It is beneficial to work on being less sensitive.  Being over sensitive can put a real strain on relationships because EVERYONE is going to say the wrong thing some of the time.

·         Work on heightening your enjoyment and appreciation for anything you can do.  It helps you feel so grateful that you can get out of the house rather than feeling awkward that people treat you different when you are in a wheelchair.  Perhaps keep a running list of things you are grateful for.

·         Practice makes perfect.  In this case, caring less about what people think and not letting it hold you back gets easier the more you do it.

Now I’m not great at it yet, but I am working on these methods and I can say they really do help.

So, some people think I’m faking, some people feel I’m lazy.  Whatever.  They are wrong.  And the majority of people I know are not so unkind.  They may not get it, but they don’t think badly of me.  And many, even most of them, genuinely care.

As is often the case, the fear is worse than the reality.  I don’t want to let fear of what people will think hold me back from the people I love and from enjoying as much of life as I can.  

(Disclaimer:  I want to make clear that I am not talking about things like panic attacks and other conditions of great anxiety.  There is often a medical reason behind those and it takes both medication and other forms of treatment to overcome or cope with them.  I’m just talking about letting fear of man hold you back from engaging in life or from doing things that are important for your health.)

Other Coping With Chronic Illness posts: 

It's OK to grieve your losses
Knowledge is power
Do not eat, breathe, and sleep your illness
Part 1 - Friendship is a basic human need (the dilemma)
Part 2 - Friendship is a basic human need (who can be a friend?)
Part 3 - Friendship is a basic human need (10 ways to be a good friend while chronically ill)
Part 4 - Friendship is a basic human need (How to be a friend to a friend who is chronically ill)
2 Reasons why lying keeps you sick
Let go of the dream, accept reality, and be happy (it breaks your heart and then rebuilds it)
Accepting reality - what it does NOT mean
3 Ways to advance in a new direction
18 Ways to ward off sadness
I Can't Do It Alone
Talk.  And Talk Some More.
You Do Not Need To Justify Your Existence
Coping with Chronic Illness - Dealing with Its Unpredictable Nature

Coping With Chronic Illness - Other People Have Problems Too
When I have no brain and no body
Caring too much what people think keeps you sick

Energy Economy posts:

How to get food into our mouths while chronically ill part 1
Food part 2
Food part 3
Grocery shopping and chronic illness
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 1
Wardrobe considerations for the chronically ill - part 2
15 suggestions for Leaving the house while chronically ill
14 suggestions for cleaning the house while chronically ill
Personal hygiene and chronic illness
Dealing with people while chronically ill
12 Ways to simplify your grooming and dressing routines
10 Ways to COPE with Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog)  
10 Ways to COMBAT Cognitive Dysfunction (Brain Fog, Fibro Fog) 

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